Fuck Yeah It's Cold!

While I was sitting on my toliet taking my routine, night after drinking dump, I was thinking about shit that had happened the night before. Nothing to special, a couple of parties, a fight, Miller High Life, and some stupid bitch asking me for my coat. The last one actually got me thinking.

Now I've probably had that situation happen about a dozens times that I can remember. Not once have I actually caved in and given up my coat. The best part is, I know for a fact that I probably would have gotten laid a couple times had I not been such an asshole about it.

General Encounter:

Dern - Shoes, socks, jeans, pink thong (OK I lie, I don't wear underwear), 2 shirts, wool jacket and a Seahawk beanie. Fuck yeah Super Bowl bitches.

Retard Chick - Sandles, skirt, super small tight ass shirt, no underwear so she actually is freezing her vagina off, and best of all no fucking coat.

These usually start off with both of us standing outside in the freezing ass cold...

Dern, "Man, it's fucking cold tonight!"

Retard Chick, "Yup"

Now at this point she gives me that puppy eye'd look with the "Gimme your coat" overtone. I zip up my coat to try and knock that look off her face. Luckily for me it never works. After a couple minutes...

I know this part is coming but I can't help but laugh every fucking time.

Retard Chick, "Why don't you be a nice guy and let me wear your coat."

Dern, "HAHAHAHA! You've got to be kidding me, it's fucking cold out here!"

Two things happen if she hasn't left, A) I'm giving her a ride B) she's fucking stupid. If B is still around I try and finish her off as fast as possible before she annoys me anymore.

Dern, "Hey, touch my sleave real quick. You feel that? Thats fucking wool! This shit is warm!!!"

Then I laugh at her stupid ass even more. If you're not smart enough to bring a coat with you in this fucking weather then you deserve to freeze. I'm no fucking gentleman so find some other douche to steal a coat from.

I own.

Motherfucker!!!

I'm sitting in my computer chair in front of my desk. There's a few people in my room. A couple of my buddies are playing Xbox and this hot ass bitch is sitting on my bed. I keep staring at her because I really want to bone her.

My buddies finish there game and leave. So I'm sitting in my room with this chick. She gets up and stands in front of me and I'm thinking, "Man, I bet I said something awesome earlier and now shes going to kick me in the sack". Instead she goes, "I wanna suck your cock." OH MAN!!!

So, I do what any guy would do, I flop my wang out. She starts going at it and I realize I'm sitting in front of my computer. Welp, time to check the message boards. At this point I'm reading boards, getting a BJ, and thinking this is the greatest day of my life when...

BOOOOOOOMM!!! My roomate busts through my door.

"Wake up fucker time to drink!"

Sure enough my roomate busts in my door to wake me up for a party. I'm still laying in bed with blurry eyes when the motherfucker tosses a 16oz Keystone Light can at me. The fucking thing lands right on my balls. Imagine my pain having a heavy ass can impact my nuts after being tossed 9 feet.

Thats the most poontang I've seen in weeks. At least the Keystone didn't give me herpes.

Naps own.

Oh Goodness!

A buddy of mine has a couple Led Zeppelin dvds that I had never seen so we decided it would be a good night to drink a bunch of beer and watch them. So, a couple of us piled into his car and headed to WinCo. If you've never been to a WinCo, its one of those ghetto ass grocery stores with concrete floors, pallets of shit in the isles and they don't take debit or credit cards. Oh they do have the little swipe machine but the only thing you can slide through them are food stamp cards. The joys of letting poor people pretend there not poor what the fuck. Give those assholes back those huge fake looking food stamps. I had to use them and so should these fuckers.

Well anyways I go in and buy the beer. I felt like spending the big bucks so I picked up 12 Alaskan Ambers. Good shit. One of my friends decided he wanted some Coronas. Fuck Corona, the shit taste like piss. Any beer that you have to put a lime in to mask the taste blows. After trying to hide my face buying that ass we head back to my house.

Now this is the point in the story where I tell you my friend with the dvds does not like to drink with his girlfriend. I don't blame him.

Things start off pretty melo until one of my friends gets a phone call from his girlfriend. Now my buddy with the dvds starts giving him shit about being wiped. This went on for about 5 minutes until he finally gets pissed and throws his phone. The fucker bounces off our coffee table and hits my other friend in the face. I don't really pay any attention and head into my room for a game of NCAA football.

Well I finish my game and notice my buddy that got hit in the face is gone. I figured he was taking a shit or something so I go looking for him. The fuckers gone and I can't find him anywhere. I try and call his cell phone and theres no answer. I get his girlfriends phone number and give that a call. She answers and says he's at home all pissed. That fucker go pissed, left and took his dvds we were going to watch even after we bought beer together! Oh fuck, thats like breaking your word. WE HAD A BEER BOND!

I'm on the phone with her still, really fucking pissed and the beer is starting to hit me. My anger builds until it fucking hits me. I tell her to come over and be our replacement friend only if she goes over to his house and grabs the dvds. Sure enough she says yes. I get off the phone with her and my other friends are looking at me like I shot someone in the face. Now if you knew this guy you would understand how pissed off at me he would be. He was pissed enough to leave after getting hit in the face with a phone, so you can understand the type of rage he'd have after he found out about this.

Now I must be an impatient person when I'm drunk because after about 15 minutes of waiting I call her back. Sure enough shes at his house still. I tell her to get the fucking dvds and hurry up.

I was really fucking surprised when she actually showed up 10 minutes later with the dvd. I get fucking hammered watch Zep then eventually pass out.

The end results! She actually showed back up at his house that night, he yells at her, they don't talk for a week and almost break up.

Zeppelin owns.