Almost a Year!

Am I back? Perhaps.

I still own.

Slump Busted!!!

And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and over two and a half thousand years my slump passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, I broke one slump and began another...

That's right fuckers, I finally broke my historic slump a month or so ago. I passed through all the major phases of a slump, anger, depression, fuck anything that moves, and finally, giving up. These type of slumps only happen because of supreme bad luck and/or the fact that God hates you. Luckily, both these were present in this situation.

Well, the weekend I decide to head back home after finals just happen to be horse race weekend in my hometown. This involves gambling and drinking until you die, I love both.

I ended up getting so drunk that most of the night is a blur. There were two hoss things that ended up happening me. One was Arrogant Bastard on tap, and the other was actually getting asked for something. This chick I had known for awhile walks up to me and asks what I'm doing for the night. I say, "Nothing". She goes, "Lets have sex."

Now, I'm sitting on a bar stool fucking amazed. I've never had something like that happen. The only thing that I blurt out was, "Ok". Like true Dern fashion I ended up ignoring her for the rest of the night because I knew I was going to get some poon.

Anyways, we get back to my buddies house. This guy ends up having a huge camper trailer that he lets this chick and I stay in. We get in there and a couple minutes later I hear a knock. I open the door and my buddy walks in. He starts showing me all these crazy ass buttons and shit while slipping me a condom. After he shows me everything he leaves, as he's stepping through the door I can hear his wife yell, "Don't you stain my fucking sheets!!!”

I end up giving her my famous Dernsaw Jackhammer. Ok, I lie; it was more like me trying to sew with my cock. Fuck you.

After we are done I roll off her and she starts to move her hand to my chest. I can tell she is looking for chest hair to play with but because I am a hairless fuck she gets bored and moves south. Sure enough, she gets her hand to my balls and passes out.

So, here I am trying to sleep with some chick with her hand on my balls. I don't know, but for some reason I felt uncomfortable and couldn't sleep. Who would have fucking guessed? I eventually pass out...

Camper trailers own.

The Best Friday EVER!

You ever get one of those weekend days when nothing is fucking going on? Well this happened to me a couple of weekends ago. There was absolutely nothing going on. I really had only two choices for the night, go to the bar by myself or go to sleep. I took the third choice...I got drunk at home by myself, like a true alcoholic.

I didn't even need to leave my house. I think we had about 10 or so random beers in our fridge: Kokanee, Keystone Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Coors Light and some Scotch. Now, taking shots of scotch has got to be the sickest fucking thing ever.

So, I get really fucked up by myself and decided I'd pass out watching a DVD. I dig through my big case of burned DVD's and come across a movie I hadn't seen in forever.

I end up watching Walt Disney's Aladdin by myself, drunk, on a fucking Friday night. The best part is I actually watched the whole movie and couldn't get a song out of my head at work the next day...

Prince Ali Ababwa owns.

Vintage Dern!

It's another Saturday and I end up getting invited over to a friend of mines house warming party. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and decided to move back to Moscow. I really have no fucking clue why somebody would move back here, this place blows.

I start off the night drinking Coors Original, yeah that's right, the original piss in a bottle. I get a little buzzed and we head over to this chick's house. It ends up being a somewhat small party with a few people I recognize.

I eventually run out of beer and start stealing the beer out of the fridge. Luckily for me it's full of Keystone. I drink enough of their beer that I end up running around my house later in my underwear.

Well, like all good stories the ending is the best. I'm chilling in the kitchen with a bunch of people and a friend of mines girlfriend ends up taking a group picture of everybody in the kitchen. Afterwards she starts checking out all the pictures on the camera. She stops at the group picture and with me looking over her shoulder I say, "Man, you look fucking fat in that picture!"

Now she looks at me like I just shot her in the gut. I'm thinking, what the fuck if the bitch can't take a joke, fuck her. That's when I look over at her boyfriend, my buddy, and he's shaking his head. The motherfucker is mouthing...bulimic.

I almost spit my fucking beer out. I guess she had recently recovered from it. You'd think I'd get my ass beat for saying shit like this.

Guess I just fucking own.

I've Had a Vision!

This lovely evening begins on Mardi Gras Saturday here in Moscow. It's a fun filled night full of beads, sagging tities and lots of alcohol. Since this night only happens once a year I decided I'd celebrate Dernsaw style. The first thing I did was take a huge fucking pull off of a seven dollar fifth of whiskey. Nothing like the sweet taste of cheap whiskey to get you pumped.

After that I headed to the bars with my roommate and a few of his friends. I ended up having a large amount of beer and shots. As the night progressed I eventually lost everybody I had came with or met at the bars. So, I decided to go get a pita. I get a pita, destroy my face, and stumble home.

Now, I was drunk enough that I lost track of how long it took before my roommate made it home. He ended up bringing a few people back with him and I somehow found out that the two chicks were from the Walla Walla area. Now for some reason I can't go a full night of drinking without pissing some chick off. I don’t remember what I said exactly but she wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Seriously, no wonder I was talking shit, the bitch deserved it.

Well, the next day my roommate’s girl friend knocks on my bedroom door. She asks me if I had seen anything the night before because the bug deflector on her hood was destroyed. The moment she says bug deflector I have a vision...

Dern is stumbling towards a trunk, punches a bug deflector, and then watches it explode.

At this point I'm fucking speechless. I was so surprised by what I remembered that I couldn't even think up a quick lie. I think I mumbled something about a friend’s car getting fucked up in our driveway. Oh well, nobody likes that bitch anyways.

Destroying stuff owns.

Scary Shit

A few weekends ago my roomate and his sister decided to throw a party at our house for thier birthdays. Luckily for us a newly created Frat decided to foot the bill for all the alcohol. I think we ended up with two kegs and around fifteen gallons of jungle juice. You'd think with that combination nothing could go wrong.

Well sure enough at about 2 am some gay guy tries to kiss me. The fucker actually grabbed my face and tried to pull me to him. Now, because I'm a nonviolent person I didn't karate chop him but pushed him away instead.

It gets even worse, later the fucker actually jumps into my bed while I'm chatting it up in my living room and starts asking for me. At this point I'm really fucking scared. I planned on sleeping under my porch when my roomates girlfriend coaxed his ass out of my room and into our basement.

I ended up shoving a chair under my door knob in hopes that he wouldn't try and sneak in later. In reflection I'm actually kind of flattered, I've never had a guy try and bone me before.

The only really cool thing I can remember is some bitch calling me, "The most arrogant, egotisical, asshole shes ever met" right before she left. That by far is the best fucking compliment I've ever had. I don't even remember what I said to piss her off. I now have a new mission though, bone this chick. The best part, shes not even good looking.

Compliments own.

I Have Good Aim I Swear!

I'm going to skip right to the good shit. I pissed on some bitch's shoe. Now, I normally don't do shit like this but she crossed the line...

So, there's a bunch of us in my room. A few of my buddies and these two crazy bitches who are sitting on my bed. I'm standing across the room doing whatever the fuck I do when I'm trashed. This usually consists of my yelling or being retard. Mostly both.

Anyway, I happen to look over towards my bed right after one of the crazy bitches decides to open a beer. She actually got the cap off the bottle ok but then she does the most retarded thing ever, she hits the mouth of her bottle on the bottom of the other bitches beer. Now most of you have an asshole friend who think it's funny to do that shit, but that generally doesn't happen when they're sitting on someones fucking bed.

Sure enough her bottle explodes beer everywhere and there's a huge beer stain on my bed. Now I'm fucking pissed. I really wanted to cunt punt the bitch and thats when her shoe caught my eye. It seemed to be my good fortune that the stupid ass chick decided to go barefoot. So I grabbed her shoe and walked outside.

I get outside toss her shoe on the ground and start pissing. Now, at this very moment I actually felt bad and hadn't hit her shoe with a direct flow of piss, I had mostly covered it with spatter when the chick decides to come up right behind me. While I'm still pissing she asks me if I'm pissing on her shoe. At this point in time, I'm drunk and can't multitask, so in order for me to answer her I have to turn my attention away from the shoe. I tell her no and in the process end up pissing all over her shoe.

High Life owns.

Aftermath: I ended up getting a six pack of Miller High Life tall boys out of the deal from the same bitches that spilled beer on my bed. I also got comfirmation from her that her shoe was still wet when she put it on.